The Beginning

Dementia is not a specific disease. It's an overall term that describes a wide range of symptoms associated with a decline in memory or other thinking skills severe enough to reduce a person's ability to perform everyday activities.Alzheimer's disease accounts for 60 to 80 percent of cases.Vascular dementia, which occurs after a stroke, is the second most common dementia type. But there are many other conditions that can cause symptoms of dementia, including some that are reversible, such as thyroid problems and vitamin deficiencies.

Dementia is often incorrectly referred to as "senility" or "senile dementia," which reflects the formerly widespread but incorrect belief that serious mental decline is a normal part of aging.

The definition of dementia. I had heard this word before many times in the past but didn't really know what it met. My grandmother suffered from it and I think her sister had it too. All I can remember about my great aunt, Edith, my grandmother's sister is that people used to say she was a little "off" and that she couldn't remember things sometimes because she was a little "off" that she was not all there. I was young then and did not know what any of that met. I took it as that the grown ups knew and that it was not something that they wanted a kid to understand. That was my understanding at the age of 8 or 9 when I started hearing it on a regular basis. After aunt Edith's husband died in the late 70's  she came to live with my grandmother, Nana. By then Edith didn't speak anymore. She would just look at you with a question in her eyes asking did she know you? We would talk to her telling her who we were and talking about our days at school or what we were doing over summer vacation. Nana encouraged us to talk to her even though she couldn't talk back to us so we did, my sister and I. On Christmas Nana would put a little decorated Christmas tree in Edith's room and we would leave little gifts underneath it. Edith liked watching the lights I think. Sometimes I would go with Nana to do laundry or to grocery shop while my step grandfather would watch Edith and Nana would tell me that it was hard work taking care of her but that is her sister and you always take care of family no matter what. She made me promise that I would always take care of my family no matter what. And at the age of 11 that is what I promised her. 

Edith passed away when I was around 14 years old or so after she had lived with my grandmother for few years. I remember we had a little memorial service for her at Nana's church, the same church we attended and basically grew up in. It was very small mostly family. We had lost track of many of Edith's friends by then and the house that Edith lived in with her husband had been sold and the neighborhood had changed greatly since the time she lived there. 

About twenty years or so later my grandmother told me that she was not remembering things as well as she used to and was going to give up driving because she couldn't find her way home one day. She didn't call it dementia though she said she was forgetting things that she should be remembering. Sometimes I would have to remind her of things that she was supposed to do that day and so did my step grandfather whom she became more and more dependent on to remember stuff. Which for her was totally out of character. Nana was the most independent woman I would ever know and she always told me to be that way too and not to depend on anyone but myself. But, in her 70's now she had to depend on us. Slowly, Nana declined and by the time my son was born in 2004, Nana was 82 and she became like her sister, Edith she was not talking but there was still a light in her eyes. I could tell that at certain times she had some recognition of who we were but couldn't verbalize it. At other times her eyes were just blank. My step grandfather by then had found out he was dying of lung cancer and they both had care givers as well as family helping them out. I missed my Nana. I missed talking to her and her talking to me and us doing things together and wished that I had spent more time with her like she wanted. She would always say that I would miss her when she was gone and that was very true. Physically she wasn't gone but mentally she was. She couldn't make my favorite breakfast anymore, waffles or grits and eggs and no longer could I walk into her house and smell the smells of the morning, her morning coffee. No longer could I sit down and chat with her over breakfast about my non existent love life.  Nana always wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. Most of the time I didn't and she would frown and tell me how smart and beautiful I was and that one day the right one would come along but she would say to remember to stay independent too. I told her I would. 

On December 2nd, 2005 just days before my son's first birthday Nana passed away peacefully at home while my mom held her hand. That was one of the few times I ever saw my mom cry. My mom went into the "ugly cry" as she called it and so did everyone else. Nana was gone. I remembered the last time I told her that I loved her and I wished I had said it more often. 

Last year at the age of 76 on a hot August day my mom had a stroke. She had not had any health problems for 76 years and then a stroke, they called it a mild stroke. After many days in the hospital they also diagnosed her with vascular dementia. I didn't know what that was and when the doctor was explaining it to me it felt like I was in another world. I heard what he was saying but not really processing it while looking at my mom lying in that hospital bed. My mom had always had a memory like an elephant. She remembered things that I had forgotten. I couldn't believe that now she would not remember things. Not my mom. But, that was what the doctors were standing there telling me that when she came home she would not be the same person as when she left.  I was hoping against hope that they were wrong. They continued to explain about some brain vessels in the back of her brain and that is all I heard about that I didn't know what they were saying all I knew is that I selfishly wanted my old mother to come back home with me not this new person they were describing to me.

But, they were right. My mom was in a slow decline. She remembers some things just fine. But, sometimes confusion sets in and she can't remember what day it is. She still remembers us, our names but she doesn't always remember how many of us there are, her kids and grand kids.  The other day she called my sister her niece. I had to correct her and she laughed and said that she couldn't have really said that. She still has a sense of humor and I am thankful for that. 

This has been a good week so far. Yesterday she got out of the house for a little bit and walked with us to the corner and back. She now uses a walker for balance and has physical therapy twice a week and hates walking down the 17 stairs that we have to walk down to get out of the house and back in the house. So, I was surprised when she actually agreed to go outside further then the front porch yesterday. She was eager to get out and get some of the fresh spring air. She didn't go far but hey, if she only took two steps that was a good day for her and us too.