They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Well, sometimes a picture doesn't speak at all. A while back, well, not that far back, my cousin sent me a picture of my dad when he was about 19 or 20 standing in front of an airplane with his Air force uniform on. He was saluting and you couldn't see his face as well as you would if he wasn't. Plus it is an old picture that my aunt had that my cousin had to "sneak" out of the house. So, when she sent it via Facebook I got it printed out. I made a few copies, and gave one to my sister. It is the only picture I have now of him.
Our family was never a very picture taking family. Or at least I don't remember anyone running to be in front of the camera in all the years I have been in this family. But, nonetheless, I had a few of my dad but not any more. So, I was thrilled when my cousin said that she had this one.
When my nephew got the envelope out of the mail box and the envelope said "Snapfish" I almost ripped his arm off trying to grab it from him I was so excited. I opened the envelope and inside there he was my dad, looking as young as ever standing in front of the big airplane in black and white. I think I stared at it for about 5 minutes. It was looking at him again for the first time. I had only a picture in my mind for the last 40 something years of him and how he looked the last time I saw him which was in the hospital the night before he died. And of course the memories of him taking us fishing, and blowing out candles with us on our birthdays and him coming home from work with our last puppy. But, all those imagines were in my head not in a photo that I could physically take out and look at when I wanted to. I couldn't look on the wall and see a framed photograph of him like I can with most family members or he was not tucked away in a photo album with the pictures of my great grandfather and great grandmother and various aunts and uncles I didn't get to meet who died before I was born. I had none of that until about a week ago.
I walked to my mother's chair where she was sitting and showed her the picture. I didn't say a word just put the picture in front of her and told her to look. She looked and looked and looked but there was no sign of recognition in her eyes of who it was. After a few minutes of looking she asked me who was this young man. I told her and she looked again. Granted she didn't meet him for about ten years after this picture was taken and it is hard to see his face but there was no glimmer of anything in her eyes that this person in the picture was someone she once knew and once loved and was married to.
I told her that it has been years since we have seen his picture and she agreed and looked again. I don't know if she really recognized him or she was humoring me by looking and saying that she did recognize him after I told her.
But, at least she looked and eventually smiled and I can't ask for more then that.
Friday, August 19, 2016
Monday, April 18, 2016
Bringing the Outside Inside
There are some days when I can't really get out of the house due to my mom's health issues and so some days all I can do is open the windows and pull back the curtains and let the sun and the air inside to ease the stuffiness of the room. Other days I can enjoy a short walk to the corner store or around the corner or a block away while my nephew or my sister sits with my mom. Those times I just get to think and be silent. I try to enjoy my time outside as much as I can. I miss the sunshine beating down on my face just warming it and my hands. I love the feel of the sun on my hands. I have always been an outside person. That is partly due to my parents. My dad loved the outdoors and was a gardener as was my grandmother and my great grandfather was also a farmer so I guess in is in my genes. And the fact that when my sister and I were growing up we played outside for a long time during the summers and shorter times during the school year but we were always out there walking, talking, exploring, and sometimes arguing like siblings do sometimes.
Since my mom's health has been not great especially these past couple of years and the stairs can be a bit much for her tackle on some days I am finding that I look forward to the great outdoors more and more. I miss having a real backyard just to go and sit in, or even a patio. I often think that if there was anything similar to a yard or a patio my mom would get outside more. She wouldn't have far to go and with a limited amount of steps she might do it. When I think about her sitting on a patio my mind races back to 8 years ago when for a short moment in time we were living in the house that she basically grew up in and I basically did too, my grandmother's house in the middle of the block that was painted bright yellow. I think of all the times that we sat in that backyard and celebrated birthdays, holidays, or just talked and laughed and the times when the swing set was there when my sister and I just swung and betting each other who can swing the highest before we jumped off into the green grass trying to avoid jumping on too many of the plumbs that had fallen from the plumb tree by the swings.
I think of the times my sister climbed up that plumb tree in search of the perfect plumbs while I was the look out so we wouldn't get in trouble or get caught in a tree that nobody was supposed to be climbing. But, of course we were kids and didn't always do what we were told. And when we got caught we would do what kids do and blame each other.
When I think back to those times I never thought back then we were making memories and that no more memories would be made in that house again after my grandmother died. I never really thought of her dying. I don't know why guess because she was so full of life and always on the go and always doing something. She only slowed down after she got sick. And then even though in her infinite wisdom as if she could see into the future she warned that after her death that certain people were going to make trouble and even though she would no longer be alive to see it she predicted everything that it became, a hot mess.
Sometimes when I look into my mom's eyes I can tell she misses being herself and misses just being her mother's daughter.
I always snap a few pictures when I am outside for the few minutes I am per day and it is like taking a little of the outside inside for my mom. One day I hope that I will no longer have to bring the outside inside and that she can be outside smelling the roses or just feeling the sunshine caressing her face again.
Since my mom's health has been not great especially these past couple of years and the stairs can be a bit much for her tackle on some days I am finding that I look forward to the great outdoors more and more. I miss having a real backyard just to go and sit in, or even a patio. I often think that if there was anything similar to a yard or a patio my mom would get outside more. She wouldn't have far to go and with a limited amount of steps she might do it. When I think about her sitting on a patio my mind races back to 8 years ago when for a short moment in time we were living in the house that she basically grew up in and I basically did too, my grandmother's house in the middle of the block that was painted bright yellow. I think of all the times that we sat in that backyard and celebrated birthdays, holidays, or just talked and laughed and the times when the swing set was there when my sister and I just swung and betting each other who can swing the highest before we jumped off into the green grass trying to avoid jumping on too many of the plumbs that had fallen from the plumb tree by the swings.
I think of the times my sister climbed up that plumb tree in search of the perfect plumbs while I was the look out so we wouldn't get in trouble or get caught in a tree that nobody was supposed to be climbing. But, of course we were kids and didn't always do what we were told. And when we got caught we would do what kids do and blame each other.
When I think back to those times I never thought back then we were making memories and that no more memories would be made in that house again after my grandmother died. I never really thought of her dying. I don't know why guess because she was so full of life and always on the go and always doing something. She only slowed down after she got sick. And then even though in her infinite wisdom as if she could see into the future she warned that after her death that certain people were going to make trouble and even though she would no longer be alive to see it she predicted everything that it became, a hot mess.
Sometimes when I look into my mom's eyes I can tell she misses being herself and misses just being her mother's daughter.
I always snap a few pictures when I am outside for the few minutes I am per day and it is like taking a little of the outside inside for my mom. One day I hope that I will no longer have to bring the outside inside and that she can be outside smelling the roses or just feeling the sunshine caressing her face again.
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